Funny Stuff

Dog Letters to God

  Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
  Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
  Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
  Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
  Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
  Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
  Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
  Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
  Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
  Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
  Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
  Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
  Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

What are Dogs in the Fire Enginers for?

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close... "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

The Consultant

Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said "Okay" The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He turned to the herder and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The herder answered "Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep." The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle. As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?" The young man answered "Sure." The herder said immediately "You are a consultant."

"Exactly! How did you know?" asked the young man. "Very simple," replied the herder. "First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I'd really like to have my dog back."

Mr. and Mrs. Judge

Mr. and Mrs. Licensed Judge were discussing whether or not there were dog shows in heaven. They decided that whomever was the first to go to heaven would try to return and let the other one know. Well, sadly, Mrs. Judge passed and her last words were a promise to return with the news. A few weeks later Mr. Judge was working in the garden and a lovely breeze moved the leaves. "Is that you, dear? Have you returned to tell me if there are dog shows in heaven?" asked Mr. Judge. "Yes, dear. I have returned with the news." the voice replied. "So?" Mr. Judge asked. "Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news, there are lovely dog shows in heaven. But the bad news, you are scheduled to judge Best in Show this next Sunday."

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